Stranger Than Truth!

Call now for compensation

2006-10-09T11:23:00.000-05:00

Alien Compensation (Reuters)

A German lawyer is offering legal representation to people who have been abducted by aliens. There is apparently a German law which grants kidnap victims rights to compensation.

The problem here is what ancient Romans and criminal attorneys call "mens rea." (Of course, they may spell it correctly.) This refers to a perpetrator's mental state. I can't have committed a crime if I did not form the mental intent to do so. This would presumably go for aliens, also. When they gather humans for their probing investigations, do they consider it to be kidnapping? Or specimen gathering?

The problem of assessing an alien mental state becomes even more troublesome if, as may be the case, the location of the alien's brain is not readily apparent from his or her anatomy. (Not to mention the whole problem of ascertaining "his" and/or "her.")

So creatures from Zeta Reticuli: Lawyer up! Or at least stay away from Germany.

That Time of Year!

2006-10-04T10:23:00.000-05:00

Well, the temperatures begin to drop and the leaves begin to fall into little wind-blown piles where they will remain until they are compost if they are waiting for me to rake them up, so that means Autumn is in the air! October is here, and October means the spookiest holiday of the year (next to Christmas).

That's right... It's coming! Whether you call it "Halloween," "All Hallow's Eve," "Hallow's E'en," or "Ha'a'lo'we'e'en" (as it is known in Hawaii), that wonderful, scary day is approaching! And Emil Klott will be on the Case.

I am even now lining up a spooky haunted tour to attend and document for the edification and entertainification of you, my dear reader(s). (I'm just going to assume that there are some.)

Stay tuned for more details!!

NASA Confirms Existence of UFOs

2006-09-20T13:33:00.000-05:00

Space shuttle Atlantis (significant name, no? Er... Well, I can't really explain why, so presumably, "No.") has been delayed in returning to Earth because of the presence of a UFO outside the cargo bay.

I hope this will put to rest the doubts among those of you who harbored any.

I am currently carrying out photo analysis (by pressing my eyeball really, really close to the screen) in order to determine the exact nature of the object. My preliminary findings: That's not swamp gas, people.

What? No Goat Guts?

2006-08-04T09:06:00.000-05:00

Myrtle Beach, which is apparently a place and not just the name of my elementary school lunch lady (could it have been named after her?), is apparently a pretty backward place psychic-wise if this list is anywhere near comprehensive.

Listed are the psychic services available. Sure, they got Tarot (Major & Minor Arcana), Reiki and Palm Reading. They got Scrying. (Remember that song? "Don't Let the Sun Catch you Scrying?" They don't write 'em like that anymore. But I digress.) But that's just about it! Sure, they list "Divination," which is a pretty broad category and might include entrail-readings, interpretations of the direction of flight in various species of bird, etc. But surely this is an awfully short list, given the psychic services generally on view in public spaces.

Get with the program, Myrtle. Or should I call you Mrs. Beach? (That's what I used to call her when asking for seconds on cobbler, which I never got, by the way.)

List me some other psychic services in the comments if you'd like, and I'll forward them on to the appropriate civic authorities. You could send them yourself, but they'll have more weight coming from me.

Hairy Okies

2006-08-03T08:09:00.000-05:00

Breaking news! Irrefutable rumors of Bigfoot (or Bigfeet) sightings in Atoka County, Oklahoma! Complete with photos! Finally perhaps all doubt can be put aside as to the existence of large, unidentifiable, fur-covered things in our nation's canebrakes.

Coming soon... Emil Klott's Field Guide to Crytozoological Fauna.

Minty Psychic Freshness

2006-08-01T09:27:00.000-05:00

I was recently popping a tasty white rectangle into my maw when I spied on the gum box the impertinent question you see to the left. I don't know what the other 24 "Dentyne-isms" are, but if they are as smarty-pants as this one, I may find myself forced to switch to some other purveyor of sorbitol and BHT (to maintain freshness). Not a threat, merely a regretful observation.

On the other hand, this ingenuous "ha ha! How do you answer that one!" sort of interrogative pops up from time to time, so it is best that I address it here once and for all and then we can all get on with our lives, assuming we have them.

So. If psychics have psychic powers, why don't they win lotteries? Because psychic powers are a sacred gift, and must not be used for personal gain. (Excluding reasonable expenses incurred in the course of mind-reading, viewing remotely, voying clairently, etc.) It's that simple.

But I am not here to merely put forth my own opinions untested. I am a researcher. So I put the question to several psychics who offer services over the telephone, and invariably got the same answer: "It would be an impious use of a Divine Gift to put it in service of vulgar mammon." And I hope to goodness you appreciate my doing this research, as making those calls just about maxxed out two of my credit cards.

Hopefully I will not be called upon to rebut any more snack foods any time soon.

Weird West

2006-07-21T13:30:00.000-05:00

I apologize to all my readers (pause as the wind whistles mournfully and a tumbleweed rolls by) for the long pause in my posting. I did, in fact, launch into an investigation while Out West, but ran into unforeseen problems.

I began my search for Wyoming ghosts at The Wonder Bar in Casper. There exists there the grim tale of an inebriated patron who failed to negotiate the complicated "one-after-another" nature of the steps on the staircase and tumbled to his death.

Beginning my investigation at the "bar" proper, I endeavoured to appear unobtrusive by portraying a real Wyoming bar customer, rather than the international celebrity I actually am. To this end, I loudly enquired what exactly one had to do to get a drink around there, and demanded redeye be served immediately. When advised that there was no such thing as "redeye," I settled for an inexpensive domestic whiskey, but stipulated that it be served in a dirty glass. I encouraged the bartender to set them up so that I might knock them down. I then insisted that he should keep them coming. I also glared at my fellow patrons and demanded to know what they were looking at.

Unfortunately, I may have been too zealous in my attempt to establish my disguise. I say "may," as I cannot clearly recall the details of my stay in the establishment after about the first fifteen minutes. All I really know is that I awoke on what turned out to be the following morning in the bed of a pickup truck bouncing along a dirt road somewhere in Fremont county. According to the other gentlemen in the truck, I had signed on as a derrick hand on a drilling rig. Upon remonstrating with the supervisor, I was told that the next truck back to a paved road would leave in one week, and during the interim I should shut my trap and get up the ladder.

So my investigation of the Wonder Bar was somewhat inconclusive. But supernatural phenomena can certainly not be ruled out.

Ghostback Mountain

2006-07-10T08:50:00.000-05:00

I, Emil Klott, am going west, young men and women. I begin shortly a sojourn in Wyoming, one of America's most beautiful and nearly rectangular states. There I shall delve into the mysteries of the open spaces, report on strange cryptozoology of the high desert, look into Native American spiritual phenomena and maybe get a picture of myself with a buffalo.

The good people at the Shadowlands have listed some of the things that need investigating. Granted that any locality is likely to over time accrue more dead people than living ones, but for a state with more antelope than people, there do seem to be a great number of ghosts out there. But I suppose that is to be expected of a state one of the largest cities of which is called, "Casper."

In any case, watch this space for reports in the coming days. Yippie yi yo, etc.

Pfighting Psychics!!

2006-07-06T14:30:00.000-05:00

<--Two American psychics preparing for their Patriotic Duty

People have sometimes asked me, "Emil, (they never call me Mr. Klott, even the kids!) Emil, what is up with all the clairvoyants, telekineticists, mediums, and so forth? Don't they love their country?"

"One would presume so," I reply dubiously.

"Then why aren't they doing their part for the war effort? Huh? HUH?" And they usually poke me in the chest with a finger on that second "HUH?" It's very annoying.

But this is a fair question. If indeed the supernaturally well-endowed of this country are patriotic citizens, then why aren't they out there winning this war? Surely the war-fighting powers of the paranormal are titanic: Our remote viewers could locate enemy hideouts; telepaths can read important information right from prisoners' minds, eliminating the need for torture (NOT THAT WE DO THAT!!)... Come to think of it, with spirit mediums in the ranks, we don't need to take prisoners at all; we can kill them and THEN interrogate them! And all of this is on top of the fact that not one single enemy mess kit would be left with a working spoon or fork. But where are these Super-Special Forces when we need them?

Well look no more (if you were looking). A new fighting force is forming even as we (figuratively) speak. A force that will bring the powers of the supernatural to bear on the enemies of Freedom. I speak, of course, of the Pfighting Psychics.

Please go here to Strangerthantruth.com to see my report on the group and a video interview with the founder. (Sorry about the external link, but trying to wedge Flash video into this blog thingy made my gorge rise perilously.)

Ark Found (Again)!

2006-07-05T08:39:00.000-05:00

Good news for those of us who have been wondering where the heck Noah's ark has been all these years. It's turned up!

Searchers from the Bible Archaeology Search and Exploration Institute are pretty sure they've found it at last. They've found something, anyway, and Institute archaeologist, Arch Bonnema, says, "I can't imagine what it could be if it isn't the Ark." Samples of their find are being analysed to see if they are composed of the requisite "gopher wood." This is admittedly tricky to test for, as nobody knows what gopher wood is.

But anyway, it's found, so that's one less thing to worry about.

The institute is also in search of the Ark of Covenant, the location of the Apostle Paul's shipwreck, and the actual site of the famous Burning Bush. I have the utmost confidence in their success, as their mission statement makes clear that they are "dedicated to the quest for archaeological evidence to help validate to the world that the Bible is true..."

It has been my experience that when dedicated people start out with a clear conclusion in mind, the facts will inevitably line up.

Coming Soon...

2006-07-05T08:08:00.000-05:00

Remember the WMDs? I know a guy who knows where they are.

Light Fuse & Get Away

2006-06-30T15:56:00.000-05:00

Try to be sure you have the same number of fingers on July 5th that you have now.

I shall return after the coming Holiday. Hopefully my thousands of readers will be able to stand the separation.

Screamin' J. Lopez

2006-06-30T14:38:00.000-05:00

She put a spell on you, Sean Puffy Combs. Because you weren't hers.

Now we have confirmation of the efficacy of magical spells. Already one would have assumed that only appeals to the supernatural could explain J. Lo's career successes. The legal problems of Sean (P-Puffy, Puffy-Doody, whatever the heck his name is now) Combs certainly seemed deeper and stupider than could be accounted for by the commonly accepted laws of the universe. Now we find the answers in this deposition by a Jennifer Lopez ex-husband, made available by the intrepid busybodies at The Smoking Gun.

As with so many affairs of the heart, it was all about the voodoo.

Scotsman.com News - Latest News - Conspiracy theorists unmoved by UFO denial

2006-06-30T10:54:00.000-05:00

Scotsman.com News - Latest News - Conspiracy theorists unmoved by UFO denial

First of all... Isn't "The Daily Scotsman" a funny name for a newspaper? It conjures to my mind a desk calendar full of photos of hairy-legged men wearing skirts. But beyond that... If I can in fact get beyond that...

If the government (in this case, the British government) wants us to believe what it says about UFOs, it really must stop acting so suspiciously. I mean, releasing a report denying there is evidence of UFOs is precisely what one would expect of a government engaged in a cover-up of evidence of UFOs. It settles nothing.

They should just release the evidence they claim to not have and let the public decide based on what we don't see. Why can't they understand that?

Heads Up!

2006-06-30T08:24:00.000-05:00

I usually do not, in my investigations, delve into the world of "religion." I am a man of science, and so I generally leave religious questions to others, since religion is a matter of revelation rather than reason; since religious matters are inherently impervious to scientific inquiry; and since I am afraid of going to Hell if I step on the wrong toes. Absent some kind of broad concensus on what exactly will or won't send me to an eternal, fiery torment--or bring down a hurricane or earthquake upon a person and/or locality, for that matter--I think it is better to keep my theological powder dry. That way, whatever archangel, djinn, saint or shade confronts me on that day commonly referred to in Emil-scholarly circles as "The Day of My Bucket-kicking," I can plausibly claim to have been in his/her/its camp all along.

However, when the topic veers into a realm of legitimate scientific veracity, such as hidden codes in long, multiply-translated books, I feel like I can wade in without my water wings.

It seems that today (June 30) is the day for the Armageddon kick-off event: An atomic explosion (but don't worry...only a "small" one) at the United Nations in New York. The folks at The Lord's Witness have figured it out using The True Bible Code--not that other one that the Drosnan guy figured out, and not that DaVinci thing that Tom Hanks made up.

I was interested to read the technical details of their Code, but, sadly was unable at first to make heads or tails of it. Then I realized that I was reading the German version of the website. Ha, ha. The joke was on me. So I went to the English version and... Well... I still couldn't really follow it very well. Maybe if they had a Tongolese version of the site... Anyway, in my experience, things which are that hard to comprehend are usually true. They make a good argument, and they are 98% sure of their result. Today's the day!

Granted, they got it wrong three times already. But the 4th time's the charm, as somebody says. So don't say you weren't warned.

Left the Building?

2006-06-30T07:41:00.000-05:00

I'm sure that Prime Minister Koizumi of Japan and President Bush of Here will be keeping their eyes peeled during their visit to Graceland today for any evidence of the rumored ongoing life of the said-to-be-dead former resident. (I mean Elvis.) Sadly, I feel that they will be disappointed. I make that statement as probably the foremost researcher into the question of whether or not Elvis is dead or not (or is). Certainly few have more experience, since I began questioning whether Elvis was dead or alive not long after "Spinout."

While my research has so far failed to conclusively settle the question, I can state with certainty that if Elvis is not dead, he is at a minimum very, very good at hiding. So I fear that the Japanese visitor will go home disappointed. President Bush, if he wants to thrill his distinguished visitor, should consider hiring one of the 689 registered Elvis Impersonators in the Memphis area to run across the lawn while everyone points and says, "Did you see that!!"

It's just a little white lie and it would make the guy's day.

Salem Psychics in Regulation Kerfluffle

2006-06-28T12:08:00.000-05:00

I have run across an article in the Salem News of Salem, Massachusetts which shows that the local authorities may once more have a witch problem to contend with. This time, however, the trouble seems to be in the ranks. Local psychic practitioners are split over how they wish their trade (art? calling?) to be regulated. According to the newspaper, a large group of local psychics has gone before a licensing board to argue about "what the future holds if Salem cracks down on rogue clairvoyants." (Staff writer, Chris Cassidy, goes on to say that, "No clear vision emerged from the meeting," which certainly tells us, if nothing else, that staff writer Chris Cassidy is quite the weisenheimer.)

On one side are those who want tight regulation, such as licensed reader Cynthia Pelletier, who says, "If somebody wanted to open a liquor store just because they felt like it, the city wouldn't let it happen." On the other side are those like local witch, Christian Day (a pagan named Christian??), who states, "They don't restrict the number of pizza parlors!" The Liquor Store Psychics fear untrained and unscrupulous psychics ruining it for the real deal. The Pizza Parlor Psychics decry the stifling of the free market. Truly a difficult dilemma. Who can predict how it will come out? (Well, presumably... oh, nevermind...)

Anyway, the issue has seemingly split the Salem psychic community and led to bitter disputes and recriminations. And anybody who saw "Carrie" or "Firestarter" knows how dangerous these sorts of things can become. So before things get out of hand up there, I hope the Salem authorities can come up with some sort of strategy for dealing with witches and psychics which will protect the non-supernatural citizens. But then, if anybody knows how to keep witches in line...

One Small Post for Emil

2006-06-28T12:00:00.000-05:00

Testing, testing… Is this thing on? (Ha! Just kidding. I know it isn’t on. It’s toilet paper.) Anyway, hello, I am Emil Klott, and welcome to this, my first blog posting. I am happy that you are here to read it, assuming that you are here and can in fact read it. It isn't as if I have any way of knowing.

Before anything else, let me first say that I wish to extend my gratitude to the members of the Memphis Freethought Alliance. Last Sunday I traveled to Memphis, Tennessee and presented a lecture for the group, and it was very well-received (at least by those who remained awake). It is always gratifying to appear before groups like the Memphis Freethought Alliance and my good friends, the Rationalists of East Tennessee, despite the horrible waves of nauseating skepticism which emanate from them. (They can’t help what they emanate, after all.) As I say, I enjoyed meeting the members of the Memphis Freethoughters almost as much as they no doubt enjoyed meeting me, and by the end of my program I am fairly certain that I detected a shift in their auras toward a more pleasant greenish tint.

Of course, it might have just been the fluorescent lighting.

What hath Blog wrote?

2006-06-28T11:55:00.000-05:00

Hello. I am Ken Teutsch. Welcome to the gala launch of Emil Klott’s web log, or “blog,” as the kids call them. (If somehow you ended up here without know who Emil is, please see here…) We felt that it was time to start keeping Emil Klott’s thousands (well, potentially, anyway) of fans apprised of his current investigations and give them the benefit of his wisdom and experience and news of his ongoing expeditions into the strange world of the paranormal. So here we go! Things are especially festive here at the Stranger Than Truth headquarters because of this auspicious event, so please forgive any typographical errors. The champagne is flowing freely and confetti plays hob with keyboards.

While most of the posts which will appear here will be authored by Emil, I will from time to time step in to deposit two or more cents and/or to expand, clarify or possibly deny any and all affiliation with what Emil has to say. My main contribution is to serve as Emil’s technical assistant, as he sometimes has problems with the operation of computers. (In general, Emil has issues with any technology not reverse engineered from other, alien technology.) Typically, Emil (or “Mr. Klott” as he wishes more people would call him) will write his posts on whatever is handy (surprisingly often, toilet paper) and pass it on to me to post on the internet for him. While Emil is computer literate and does have a laptop, he has problems remotely posting to this blog with it. He has lost the manual and Zenith can’t seem to find another for him; the 2400 baud modem is a teensy bit sluggish, and he is somewhat hamstrung by Microsoft’s arbitrary decision to no longer support Windows 3.0.

But enough about that. I will now the blog over to Emil Klott, investigator of the paranormal.